Today is Be Naked at Work Day. Seriously.  I don’t know who comes up with these odd holidays, but avert your eyes, because Tom is coming, and he hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since the Carter Administration.  What is that anyway, a mole?

I’m sure by now you’ve read the story about how a bunch of people on January 20th of this year agreed to go to work without their pants.  I’m not going to actually suggest you bring on the Full Monty this time around.  Rather, I thought this would be a good time to discuss exposing yourself emotionally and professionally.  I’m talking about honesty.

We spend our workdays adrift in a sea of financial uncertainty, often leaving our very financial futures in the hands of a cast of varied characters assembled by our higher-ups.  Where we work is often little more than an organized group of competing, individualistic, and emergingly symbiotic relationships.  That’s a fancy way of saying it’s dog-eat-dog sometimes, and frankly I stopped trying to be the Alpha Male in the pack a long time ago…  Wow.  That picture needs a little cropping, doesn’t it?  Stop looking already…

Honesty in the workplace.  It’s one of the most difficult environments to create in such a field of competing egos, inflamed in a hard economy.  Many of us don’t like to have ourselves laid bare at work, open to questions from anyone, naked to constructive criticism.  But if you can figure out a way to develop a more nakedly honest office, you and your coworkers will be a lot happier, and productivity will actually increase.

After my obligatory in-depth research involving a quick and dirty 5-minute Google search, followed by reading 5 whole articles by other people with a lot more knowledge than I. (I know, I know, I work hard for you, I really do…) I came up with a few suggestions.  Read on as you strip down at your desk.  I’ll beat-box that boom-chicka-boom music for you, quietly so I don’t bother the guy in the next cubicle…

Never withhold information

You return after a 2-week vacation in Italy, tanned from the Tuscan sun, ready to tell everyone about your wine-and-laughter-filled experience, when you are called into a staff meeting. As you sit and sip your stinky American coffee, you realize that your coworkers and boss are head-long in implementing what you know to be a horrible idea. Whatever it is, was tried long before, and you know why it failed miserably. As that happy Italiany smile begins to melt from your face and your toes begin to curl up in your loafers, do you sit still and keep your mouth shut, or say something?

Being naked at work means never purposefully withholding information from your boss or coworkers, whether to make the situation seem better or to get along with what seems like a popular idea. You will have to bare it all and raise that hand and clear your throat. Take the time to explain fully your company’s past experience with this idea, and why it failed. With your new office nudity, also be ready to accept if conditions have changed, and the environment might be ripe to try that old idea again…

Never fake illness

It’s Monday, and as the alarm clock plays Achy Breaky Heart at a volume level designed to utilize sound waves to catapult the sheets off your warm body, you contemplate feigning the sniffles.  Get up, Stupid.  Let me paint a picture of you later that day hiding just inside the entrance of Victoria’s Secret, huddled under the colorful thong shelf with shopping bags crammed under your knees, your newly-spilled caramel latté next to you on the floor.  As your boss wanders in to check out the racey laceys, your cell phone begins to ring with your oft-played-at-the-office Jay-Z ringtone, as your mother calls you back to ask why you hung up so quickly.

Are you prepared to lose your job just because you need (or want) to run a few errands?   Yes, I know you work through your breaks and sip down a cup o’ soup at your desk half the time during lunch, but use some of that built-up comp time or take a short vacay in order to complete the things you need to do during work hours.  Naked honesty can be hard sometimes, especially when you know your coworkers are not as forthwith in their days off.  You can do it, and you will feel better about  yourself in the long run…

Don’t hide problems

You have a deadline staring at you from the shelf to your right.  It’s right by that plant that jerk of an ex-boyfriend gave you last month.  You know, the little once-green Dieffenbacchia you don’t water much anymore, a chlorophyllic voodoo doll held captive to your crumbling, roller-coaster emotional state.  If you don’t think you are going to meet a deadline, get your newly-naked self up and make an appointment with your boss.  Let him or her know when you are not going to meet a deadline, no matter how big or small the project is.

Letting your boss know of an impending missed deadline and the issues related to it says you care about the work needing to be done.  You might wind up getting others to help you, or a more respectful boss with a greater understanding of the issues involved with your work.  On the flip side, if your boss has to remind you that a deadline has come and gone, you will likely already look in his or her eyes as a procrastinator, or plain forgetful.  Lump that in with the Victoria’s Secret fiasco, and you might find yourself walking the pavement for another job…

Stop the gossip already

Did you hear that John had an affair?  Did you know that Susan got a breast enlargement?  Did you hear that David has a file cabinet filled with Army C Rations and Ensure, in case the world ends and he is trapped in the office? Did you?

There are few habits more pernicious and hurtful in a workplace than gossip.  I know it is hard sometimes to turn your back on the newest issue of the Daily Whisper, because it helps to pass the time, it brings certain high-and-mighty coworkers to their knees for your amusement, and it makes your problems seem more distant.

Stop with the office gossip, beginning with yourself.  Check the “evil tongue” at the door, and allow people their privacy. No matter how juicy a tidbit of information about a coworker appears, sharing it will only tarnish your reputation as well.

Tell Mrs. Wormwood Slipperytongue to take her business elsewhere, because you are no longer buying.  And develop that long-term relationship with David, because 2012 is just around the corner, and C Rations have significantly improved over the  years, especially the canned shredded turkey in gravy…

Share the nudity

If your company doesn’t hold scheduled staff meetings, then suggest it to your boss.  Invite everyone, no matter on what level they work.  Call in the delivery people, mailroom guy, secretaries, mid-managers, and that cute barista in the lobby who always asks you if you want whipped cream on it with that devilish smile.   (Note to my very lovely fiancée — This is a purely fictional character, and in no way is an indication of my interactions with people in or near my office.  I haven’t had a latté since that incident with the boss at Victoria’s Secret!)

Major corporations, including Google, Inc., find weekly to be a good frequency for getting everyone together. For many offices, this is a monthly evolution. No matter how often you meet, make it a point to stick with that frequency, no matter what.  Believe it or not, there are people who look forward to the next meeting, and they aren’t all axe-grinders.

Staff meetings must be a place where anything can be asked by anyone.  Management is informed beforehand that they must answer to the best of their ability, but within reason and corporate policy. This open environment, where your very own pet projects might get discussed in front of everyone else, will seem a bit awkward at first. Having Sean, who spends hours daily outside the back door on his cell phone with that hooker from Phoenix, ask you to state why it’s taking you four months to create that dynamic list of business contacts based on zip code and shoe size might leave you red-faced afterward.

Eventually things will improve, as everyone in the office begins to make decisions with an eye toward how their actions will look to everyone else.  Maybe Sean will find a way to break it off before Mrs. Slippertongue calls and lets his wife know the 411.

Bare naked evaluations

Employee evaluations ought to be honest and up-front.  An employee’s areas for improvement must be discussed. Maybe you think if you simply gloss over his answering of the office phone with the catchy phrase “Yo,” your employee-friend Alex will keep playing squash with you on Sunday mornings at the Y.  Maybe your real problem is an inability to genuinely connect with anyone, so you can’t make friends anywhere except by cornering the people who have to spend 8 hours with you each day of the week.  The people who rely on you for their rent money.  Hmm.  I dunno.

Being nakedly honest during evaluations and covering those areas needing improvement may seem scary, especially if that person is a high performer, but it’s needed both for you and the employee. If you don’t tell the employee what’s wrong and how to improve, they will spend yet another year making the same mistake, and ultimately productivity (or office morale) can suffer.   Other employees may think you’re playing favorites.  You might simply avoid the issue by giving important jobs to other workers, creating even more tension between you and the problem employee. This could result in your employee quitting or complaining, causing greater disunity in the workplace.  And nobody to play squash with.

Those are my suggestions for being naked at work today and every day.  Print it out and slide it under your boss’ door during today’s lunch hour.  He’s probably at Victoria’s Secret again right now anyhow.  And if you like this story, go ahead and share it far and wide.  Then send me your shoe size, ’cause I gotta finish this stupid customer database before the next staff meeting…