No one can make you feel badly about yourself without your permission.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

His name was Vincent, one of the very few kids in my school who was actually shorter than me.  Ever since the first grade, I came to settle in with the knowledge that everyone else was likely going to grow taller and stay that way, while I would lag behind in that department.  Despite Vincent’s diminished stature, however, he still managed to make quite a bully out of himself.

Almost every boy in my third grade class feared Vincent, because he had taken the time to threaten, cajole, push or beat up each and every single one of them.  Even the little cadre of friends who followed him to school and back, hanging on his every threatening word during recess, had been forced down a notch or two by the school’s Alpha Male.  The expectation, of course, was that I would, too…

I’ve mentioned before that I was a military brat, having moved from place to place almost every 2 years during my early youth, working rapidly to make friends wherever we went.  I learned early on to be open and talkative, expressive and honest in my dealings with others, so that they could quickly come to know my nature and accept me.  Vincent was a rarity for me, in that he saw my nature as weakness, zeroing in on me within days of my arrival at “his” school.

Because Vincent and his posse were without fail late for school on most days, my walk to school was quiet and carefree.  I often whistled while I pulled my shoulders up to support my backpack, palms and fingers flat and in my pant pockets.  I even managed to remain unmolested during the school day, as the swing sets and monkey bars were not places for bullies.  It was my long journey home alone, however, that caused our paths to cross…

It was Fall, and my thick jacket padded my left shoulder against the glancing blow, a hard push forward from behind, shoving me a few steps forward, my backpack lifting away from then thudding again against my back.  ”Hey, Stupid,” I heard from behind me, soft snickers from those around Vincent.  My heart immediately raced, fight-or-flight taking over my mind, as I quickly moved off the sidewalk onto the grass of an unknown yard.

Vincent and his friends cawed aloud, faces pointed to the sky, mouths wide open and eyes tightly shut, bellowing as though to scare the clouds into parting and thusly allowing their laughter to fill the very sky.   They walked by with hardly a sideways glance at me, stomping in their heavy boots on the way to find their next victim.

Over the next few weeks, things steadily worsened, as Vincent continued his almost daily onslaught.  Insult after insult were hurled at me, as he faced me down practically nose to nose, daring a response.  I figured that as long as I kept my mouth shut and stood there, Vincent would eventually consider me broken, and move on.  Another thought that kept me from fighting was the face of my mother in my mind.  She had long before threatened me with a near-death experience if she ever found out I had gotten into a fight.  You see, I feared her much, much more than Vincent…

Today is I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day.  While pondering what distant memory I could dredge up, the story of this trying time in grade-school Purgatory came to mind.  Vincent certainly was not the last person I’ve had to deal with suddenly in my face and causing me consternation.  And he won’t be the last.  We all have to deal with people who not only rub us the wrong way, but out-and-out try to bring us down.

Whether it be in our family life, in the office or even our place of worship, we will always come across the one person who seems to have made us their personal enemy for life.  We can simply roll over in our dealings with that person, and let them steamroll everyone around (and us,) or learn to stand up for ourselves.

LEARNING TO STAND YOUR GROUND

1. Make the decision –  You have got to make sure you are ready to do all that it takes to take on a bully, have thought it through, and are ready to tackle whatever comes.  Create an imaginary line in your mind and put yourself well past it.  Slam that door behind you and throw away the key.
2. Body language – The next time you are around the bully, make sure that you maintain a straight, upright posture.  At first, you will have to consciously force yourself to keep your chin up and to look around, making eye contact with all, including the bullying personality.  Rather than drawing inward into a safe boundary, use up and own every inch of space around you, marking your “bubble” as yours.  Eventually this will become more of a habit, and will let everyone know that you are happy and comfortable, confident where you are, afraid of nothing and nobody there.
3. Own what you say – When you are talking to others, and especially in the presence of the bully, say what is on your mind in a reasonable tone, using words that make your statements your own.  ”I” statements, such as “I don’t agree,” or “That is what I wanted,” will project a measure of confidence to everyone within earshot.  In the presence of your bully, try to avoid apologetic statements to others, as they weaken you further in their eyes.  Save apologies to others for when your bully is not around.
4. Speak up for others – If you are finally tired of being bullied, don’t you think others are too? As long as your antagonist gets away with bothering others, it will likely not stop for you either, and the environment will be uncomfortable anyway.  Sometimes it’s easier to stand up for others than it is ourselves.  Carefully respond when you see bullying happening, but definitely make it known that you are no longer going to put up with others being wronged in your presence.  Just realize that once you open the door, you can’t close it…
5. Listen then get your turn – When you finally do confront your antagonizer, make sure to take the time to hear them out.  Let them get all of their verbal tension out in the open.  When it is your turn, it is typical for an overtly aggressive person to interrupt you often, so expect it.  With a firm voice, remind the other person that you let them have their say, and you want time to have yours, too.
6. Throw them off – A bully expects you to be nervous, afraid, to back up based on their body language.  Fight the urge to feel any of this, or to respond in that manner.  Smile ever so comfortably.  Stand your ground.  Nod happily hello to people as they nervously pass the situation.  Make a lot of eye contact, appearing as much as possible to the bully as though you were perfectly calm and cool.  Your new-found cheerfulness and ease will be entirely unsettling to a bully.  Any level of discomfort is a loss of control to a bully, and you will soon appear to the hunter as not-so-desirable prey.
7. Be consistent - When you find the levers that work to keep a bully away, ensure you are consistent with those behaviors around them.  Be strong and firm, knowing that any castle must maintain its walls for proper defense.  The next time the office or schoolyard bully looks for a victim to blow off steam against, they’ll see you and move on.
8. Don’t get physical – Your bully, seeing that the normal course of events no longer gets the result, may consider moving things to a physical level.  Avoid this as much as possible, remembering that you can later bring up threatened physical confrontations to the higher-ups, whatever environment you are in.  Absolutely defend yourself if physically attacked.

I don’t know what happened, but one day I’d just had enough.  From a distance, I could hear Vincent and his cohorts stomping up the sidewalk from behind.  I slowed down, purposefully, and shifted my backpack to a single shoulder, my right arm free.  As they drew closer, I could hear hushed whispers of “Vincent, look who’s here.”  I steeled myself for what I felt I must do next.

As Vincent drew up to me, I moved almost imperceptibly to the right-side of the sidewalk, so Vincent would have to approach me from the left, where my hand was clutching the strap of the backpack tightly.  When I felt the hand on my shoulder, pulling me around, my right hand moved into a firm, tight fist.

I can recount every split second of that moment, as Vincent pulled me around to insult me further.  My right elbow drew back, and my fist lauched up and right into the point of Vincent’s short, stubby nose.  As Vincent’s head shot back, my right leg planted firmly on the sidewalk, my eyes meeting the first of his friends, his eyes wide with surprise.

“Who’s next?,” I asked calmly and quietly, the backpack slowly sliding off my shoulder to the ground with a marked thud.  I’m not sure if it was my confidence, the shock and awe of the loud and square hit, or the fact that Vincent began loudly braying like a donkey that made them run, but they all did, including Vincent, stumbling and crying loudly over his shoulder that he was going to get his big brother.  I don’t think I ever saw so much blood spurt out of such a little nose, drops on the sidewalk dotting Vincent’s rapid escape route.

Not wanting to see what would happen if Vincent’s big brother threats proved true, I picked up my backpack and high-tailed it back home, a smile on my face.  My mother never knew about the fight, and Vincent’s “big brother” never confronted me.  Neither did Vincent, ever, again.

I’m older and wiser now, and know that violence is no way to solve an issue.  I work hard to avoid physical confrontation, and see myself as a civilized person.  But I can’t help cracking a little smile whenever I think of the day I stood my ground and decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore…