Hate is like an acid – it destroys the vessel in which it is stored. ~Ann Landers

In ancient Turkey, in a region known then as Phrygia, they found themselves suddenly without a king. Their royal leader had passed away, leaving no heirs and no relatives to speak of. An oracle stated that the next person to drive an ox-cart into the city through the main gates was destined to become their next king. That man was Gordias, a poor peasant, who was astonished at the news. Bewildered and unsure as to what he should do, he released his ox but tied up the cart to the main gate with a knot made of Cornel bark. This knot was said to be so intricate that nobody could figure out how to untie it. The oracles stated that whosoever could undo the knot would become a great ruler, overseeing all of Asia….

This is the time of year when we begin thinking of what we have accomplished thus far, and what we want to do over the next 365 days. For the greatest procrastinators amongst us, it is a day full of regrets, as our glances sweep back over the gulf of time we once had this year. We glance furtively at the Gordian Knots still before us, trying to figure out a way to cut through them…

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness today, thanks to a few discussions I’ve been involved with recently. As a Jew, I am more than gently pushed to provide blanket forgiveness for all transgressions of the preceding year during the High Holy Days. But as an American, I also have our standard 12-month calendar to impress on me that I must, yet again, revisit the tying up of loose endings or face the consequences.

With all of the discussions lately regarding New Year’s resolutions, I thought perhaps I should resolve to do something each and every year to see if I can dissolve the tensions I may’ve created or were a part of during the previous 12 months. I’ve decided that with the end of each December, I should take the time to consider my life, ask for forgiveness of others, and to give it freely where needed.

In Aramaic the word “forgive” can be interpreted to mean “to untie the knot.” It’s a good way of thinking about it. Whenever I am undergoing stress at work or in life, my body is all tied up in knots. During stressful times, there are tons of knots in the muscles of my back and neck. My stomach fills with acidic, knotty tension when I am in an argument with others. My tongue gets all tied up when I realize I have done someone wrong, and realize that I must seek forgiveness from them.

So how does one go about the process of forgiveness? I mean, I only have a few days to work on this, although the process of truly forgiving others could be worked out over the whole of next year…

From WikiHow, I found a variety of things to consider when seeking forgiveness. I’ll list them here, with my own twist…

1. You are only hurting yourself. Think about it. If you are angry with someone else, seething inside over a slight or wrong, are they hurting from your anger? Do they writhe at their desk in agony every time you furrow your brow or the acid churns anew in your stomach as you recount the offense? Nope. You have to come to realize that the anger you have at someone else does nothing to harm them. In fact, while you stew in your juices, the person who slighted you has likely moved on with their own life, quite oblivious to your now over-boiling feelings.
2. Find the silver lining. Yes, you have gone through trying times because of what was done to you. But take some time to also realize how much stronger you are for having gotten through them. Examine carefully to see if there are any good good experiences or practices that might have come to your life from this. Were you more careful with your money, and saved a bundle? Did you pull closer to other people in your life? Sometimes you can find some wonderful silver linings in your life while walking angry pathways. Just don’t stay on them too long!
3. Open your eyes to the angels. take a moment to recount all of the positive, wonderful, giving people who helped you through the most trying times last year. Would you have gotten to know these personal angels as well as you had if it were not for the need to talk and share your angst, to vent and receive their supportive words?
4. Tell the person in the mirror it is okay. You MUST learn to forgive yourself for feeling angry at others, for feeling helpless to resolve the issue or see it coming. You have to forgive yourself for being open enough for others to step on your heart. You HAVE to do this, in order to realize it is okay, so that you can get to the place you were before you were hurt, in order to try again…
5. Remove the acid from the vessel. It’s high time you realized that when you fail to forgive others, you are not moving on from the hurt; rather you are carrying the hurt within you, displacing feelings of kindness and love. Emotionally many of us are limited, fragile vessels. Don’t let that acid build up within you and wear you down. The act of forgiveness causes a release within us, separating us further from the negativity, and healing the vessel within.
6. Shut up already. I know telling others what happened to you is a bit cathartic. I know that others after having heard a bit of the gossip around the office will likely ask you for more details. As enticing as it may seem to go over the juicy details again, stop telling the story to others. Stop being the victim, and take responsibility for what you can do about how you feel in the future.
7. Tell the other story. After you have made the decision to stop recounting your personal tale of woe, take some time to actually put yourself in the shoes of the person who slighted or offended you. Remember that the person you are thinking about is someone’s wife, sister, brother, husband, son or daughter, or friend. Thank about how you might tell “their side” of the story. Are their extenuating circumstances in their life you didn’t take into account? If you don’t know, ask yourself why you don’t know much about your antagonizer… You just might figure out places where you may’ve gone wrong in your response or approach to that person…
8. Derail your mind. It’s time to stop thinking about your hurts, and begin to think about your blessings. Many sage Rabbis have passed down the philosophy of replacing evil with good simply by retraining your mind and through new practices overlaying the old. Kick your angry thoughts off track by beginning to replace your feelings with silent blessings sent out to everyone around you. I know this may feel weird to do, to send a blessing to those around you who seem to want to do you harm, but over time your good notions will cause you to, little by little, stop focusing on the slights and offenses. Increasingly you will see those around you as just people, as fallible and fragile as you, as capable of accidentally offending others as you are…
9. Draw in perspective. People who are outwardly focused on the needs of others tend to feel wronged far less often, are happier, and live longer lives. The more introspective we are during our day, the more focused we are on ourselves, the easier it is to get hurt. Embrace the world around you as much as you can, and get involved in it. This will help you maintain a far broader perspective on life. When you see what is going on in the lives of the people at your workplace, in your family or church, in your community or the World in general, it brings into perspective the little hurts we encounter in our own lives.

In the year 333 B.C., a young and impatient Alexander the Great entered into the very same gates that Gordias entered, and came across the centuries-old cart tied up to the gate, blocking his large contingent’s passage through. He jumped from horse, and took a look at the gargantuan and complicated Gordian Knot before him. The locals told him the ancient story of how countless individuals had tried to untie the knot to no avail, and of the prophecy regarding the one who came across a solution.

Alexander pulled out his sword, and with one strong swing of his arm, cut the knot in two. As the pieces fell, the townspeople were both shocked and dumbfounded. While some may’ve felt that this solution did not suffice, others likely slapped their foreheads and wondered “Why the heck didn’t I think of that?” Either way, the ancient prophecy was fulfilled, and Alexander went on to become one of history’s greatest (and most tragic) warriors and leaders.

If you work hard at the nine steps above, you are well on your way to forgiving yourself and others. Feel free, when the time is right, to ask for forgiveness from those around you. Your shocked coworkers, friends and family will look up to you for taking the time to try and make things right again, and many will soon seek to forgive you. You will be well on your way to untying that knot yourself…

Written in commemoration of Tick Tock Day.