The Green Machine. The Silver Bullet. Stinky. The Sex Machine. Smokey.  Have you named your car yet? Will you ever?  After all, bey0nd your home and office, you spend a great deal of time in that four-wheeled money pit, whipping all over town, shuttling kids to world-changing events, stuffing your face with that Taco Bell Taco (yes, we can see you through the lightly tinted windows…)

Today is Name Your Car Day.  Your car says a great deal about you, whether acting as your status symbol or shouting through the clouds of burnt oil that you just don’t give a damn.  Shouldn’t you do your automobile some justice (or simply get revenge,) and name it appropriately?

The same with animals that you find and bring home, if you name your car, it becomes yours, truly yours. And it makes it more difficult to turn you back on it in times of need.  The relationship might be love-hate, but it is still a relationship.

Putting aside that naming your vehicle is a personal matter, here are some rules you can follow when naming your empty McDonald’s bag mover:

• If your care is a veritable workhorse, make it a manly, strong name.   Some manly options you may include are Lance, Max, Flex, Steel, Sterling or Magnum.
• If you work in the color of your car, add the word The to the beginning, and the color immediately after.  Oh, something like The Orange Snail could do…
• You can name a car after someone you love, but never, ever after someone you hate.  I for one do not want to be caught behind the grimy wheel of a Bernie Madhoff.  Maybe you could name it after a benefactor that allowed you to get the car in the first place? First names only, please. Unless the last name is pretty cool…
• Sports cars should have fast, dangerous sounding names.  You can work in Bolt, Quake, Fire, Blaster or even Danger.  Remember, the name needs to sound dangerous to everyone else, not just to you.  Recurring Acid Reflux is not an option, nor is Leaky Natural Gas.
• You can name a car after something you really love.  Maybe you can work in the word “Chocolate” or “Caramel” or “Mocha” into a particularly brown model.
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  Sleek and sexy cars can have the additional title of “Lady” or “Princess” added in front.  A nice brown sexy Lexus might be Lady Prima Chocolata.  I for one would rather be behind the wheel of the Bernie Madhoff, but to each their own.

• Popular cartoon characters are always a winner, especially among whimsical cars like Volkswagens.  The Road Runner is always popular, and can do well to show an utter lack of creativity.
• Old beater cars can proudly wear the additional name of “Old” in front of their names.  Old Timer, Old Yeller, etc.
• Try to figure out a name that would reflect well on the driver, as the name will have some bearing on how people view you, too. Nobody wants to ride with the guy boldly maneuvering the Piece of Crap.
• A pickup truck should have a folksy name.  Chance. Rufus. Red. You get it.
• Big, expensive luxury automobiles (we don’t call them cars) should have a name with a pedigree.  Think Archibald or Bartholemew, Caterina or Lawrence.

What have you named you car?  Please give a comment below and let me know if it’s interesting, and why you chose that name…